Title: Alimentary, My Dear Kent

Author: danceswithgary (danceswithgary@yahoo.com)

Rating: PG-13

Challenge: CLFF21: Leaving behind clues.

Notes: Many thanks to jakrar for her beta. Any remaining mistakes are mine, all mine.

Summary: Clark pays the price for leaving Lex alone for too long.

Alimentary, My Dear Kent

"Kent, I'm so glad you could make it. You're just the man I've been looking for!"

"Lex, I'm really sorry that it's been a couple of days, but Dad's been piling on extra chores on top of finals and...."

"No time to dally, Kent. The game's afoot!"

"Lex, why are you talking in a really bad English accent? And where are you dragging me? The bedroom's that way."

"We'll need to begin the investigation in the library. That's where I discovered the first piece of evidence."

"Evidence? What are you talking about, Lex?"

"Observe, Kent. One or more unknown parties have left an unlabeled box on this table. The tape on the sides seems to have been slit open, but the lid is still on. I want you to look inside."

"Why do I have to look inside, Lex? The last time you got an unmarked box, someone's hand was in it, so I'm not so sure I want to look in this one and find some other body part that's arrived minus an owner. What if it's a bomb?"

"Kent, need I remind you that you are uniquely qualified for examining items without the benefit of mechanical means?"

"What?"

"X-ray vision? Invulnerable alien? Any of that sound familiar, Kent?"

"Lex, this 'Kent' thing is getting annoying."

"Clark, just look in the box, okay?"

"All right, you don't need to get snippy. It's empty."

"Empty? Let me look."

"Sure, now that you know it's empty...."

"We already went over the reasons, Clark. Do I have to...?"

"No, that's fine, Lex. What did you find?"

"Crumbs."

"Crumbs? That's all? All this drama over a crumby box? Hey, what kind of crumbs?"

"Ah, finally a spark of interest. Always nice to know the mention of food can bring you around, Kent."

"I'm Clark, not Kent, and I'm not always hungry, you know. Besides, wouldn't the logical place for food be the kitchen?"

"To the kitchen!"

"Le-e-e-ex...."

"Stop whining and hurry up. We don't want them to abscond with the goods."

"What goods? Are you feeling okay, Lex? Let me feel your forehead. Wait, just stand still and let me feel something, if you know what I mean."

"No time for that! We need to search for more evidence!"

"Lex, there's always time for that. Hey, that looks like one of my mom's pies on the counter. She did mention that Enrique stopped by the Talon today and picked one up for dessert."

"Look, here's a knife and it's sticky!"

"Lex, this is a kitchen. Sticky knives belong in kitchens. We, on the other hand, belong in a bedroom where we can get sticky. And naked. Naked and sticky. Right now."

"But I haven't finished my investigation yet."

"I knew I shouldn't have left you alone with 'Clue.'"

"I've always found it quite entertaining, but it's just a pastiche. It's the classics that always deliver, Kent."

"Don't tell me. You watched the entire first season of 'The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes,' too. No wonder I turned into 'Kent' all of a sudden. You needed a Watson for your Holmes boy."

"Okay, I guess I deserved that one, but you only get one."

"Oh, I think I'll get as many as I like, after all this nonsense. All I wanted was to spend a few hours in bed with my boyfriend, and instead I get dragged around by a bald Tim Curry."

"I'm done now and perfectly willing to go along with your alternate plans for entertainment this evening."

"Lex, you mean you've figured it out?"

"Yes, it was Enrique in the library with a knife."

"The fiend! Wait a minute! Lex, you know what that means, don't you?"

"No, Clark, please don't! I'm begging you, don't say it!"

"But, Lex, I have to - especially after everything you've put me through tonight."

"Somehow, I knew I was going to regret starting this. All right. Get it over with."

"Yes! I've always wanted to say this, Lex."

"I'm waiting."

"The case is solved, Inspector Luthor. The butler did it."

fin

Standard Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters herein. The characters of Lex Luthor and Clark Kent as well as any supporting characters are the property of their creators and DC Comics. Gough/Millar Inc and the WB Network TV own Smallville. Any deviations (or deviant behavior) from the originals, however, is mine.

Feedback is both welcome and appreciated.